The Well-Meaning Lover
I don’t know anyone who gave us a real playbook on how to pleasure ourselves, let alone the opposite sex.
Most of what happens in the bedroom is more like trial and error. We try and remain as open and receptive as possible, but what if we are missing direct cues or are lacking really important information altogether? And to make matters more confusing, what if your female partner knows very little about the truth of how women are deeply aroused and satisfied? If she, like most women, have gathered their information about through porn or religion, they will be conflicted, damned if they do, or don’t. Sexual shame can distort her ability to climax or feel desire.
Millions of men want to be better lovers. Here are a few things to remember so you can excel at being the kind of lover who is remembered for a lifetime.
Here are a few signs of the well-meaning but unskilled lover.
The Hot and Heavy
This kind of sex starts with a lot of passion. There can be intense kissing, groping, hair tugging, squeezing, dirty talk, all great, except he misreads her energy.
She is water, not fire, and though she might be very turned on, rushing into steps without understanding her anatomy will hurt her and cause confusion in you.
One myth that gets men every time is, ‘If she’s wet, she must be ready to enter.’ This simply isn’t the case. All women are different, and a woman’s wetness is not an indicator of how turned on she is. Her body creates lubrication as a natural function, not as the only function for arousal.
Men of the Hot and Heavy nature also misconstrue certain elements of erotic arousal as instantaneous. This is because we have been led to believe that men and women aren’t that different in their arousal states. Hot and Heavy has its place. What is required is the knowledge to understand her anatomy and how to keep her fires burning hotter and hotter without getting lost in performance.
The Quick and Dirty
Quick and Dirty guys are close cousins of their Hot and Heavy brothers with a slight change. They think that a woman’s signal of arousal means entry and quickly goes for the kiss, the boob grope, the ass squeeze and the furious desire to enter her pussy with fingers right away. Big mistake. Again, a woman needs time. Her arousal points are all over her body. Her heart and Yoni are connected.
Even if you have been play partners, she needs time to open and receive you. Doing so too early causes microtears in the vagina which leads to pain and swelling. Not what you’re going for. Quickies can be done very effectively with less time when you understand how to light up a woman with what really gets her going.
The Pornstar
These guys are so proud to do what they’ve seen on film that they forgot they were watching actors. This is like believing that what you see on TV is real life and trying to apply that at home. No one would think to do that because we know we are watching actors. Sex, however, is a different story.
The pornstar has been heavily entrenched into behaving in a way that he sees and has no idea of the consequences.
There is not a single pornstar on this planet not today, not ever that became a remarkable, outstanding lover from doing porn. The opposite is true. Numbness and difficulty performing, which lead to drug use, are common. Not being able to connect in real life is another major issue. Why is that? Isn’t porn the ‘high’ point of doing well? No. Porn is about showing men what they want to see without regard to its consequences.
The pornstar completely disregards the necessity of what a woman’s body needs. He is all about the power, the performance, the goal. Women can’t open. There is no feeling through trust and connection.
Pornstars are aggressive, overriding themselves and the women in front of them. If they aren’t ready, they take substances or medications to keep them hard or desensitized so they can take hours of pounding for the camera.
This is the last place you want to go to learn. Judging from the thousands of numbed out women on cam modeling sites and porn, it’s a much better plan to learn the best ways to please your partner than to take cues from this industry.
The Pounder
This guy believes that the only thing he needs is to get in her and go for broke.
A woman’s body is not designed this way. A man gets aroused, and he is ready. A woman needs to open. Patience and compassion are necessary to increase her arousal.
At her peak, she welcomes a good, vivacious series of thrusts. Thrusting like this can take her to another dimension. However, doing this too early causes tears, pain, numbness, and trauma.
Knowing her body, her excitement points, and how to not be goal-oriented is key to getting her going and keeping her there.
Performance Doesn’t Equal Pleasure
One of the greatest challenges for men is understanding that her pleasure is not about how big you are.
Men come in different sizes for a reason, and so do women. That is not an accident.
Society has done an extraordinary job at convincing men that the only good man is a well-hung man, and the only good woman is a tight woman who has to struggle to get a man inside her. Twisted but true.
For men, being able to relax and come to a space where they are secure and confident in what they do creates the lasting performance they are looking for. Knowing the woman and how arousal works for her can greatly enhance his ability to satisfy her long before he enters her, if he chooses to.
Women cannot bypass the heart to open to pleasure. Presence is needed more than performance. A man loves to satisfy. He wants to know she is pleased. Releasing the goal and taking pleasure in each moment will drive her arousal higher and yours as well.
Lasting longer is a big concern for men. There are a few things that can help a man go a lot longer.
Exercises for the Linga are needed as much for men as for women. Certain muscle groups work best with massage and strengthening. Just getting hard is not enough to train you for the long distance.
To really get the length out of your duration, you will want to move that energy higher. You will want to train your body to make great use of your energy and not just blast it out of you, leaving you drained.
A few challenges occur in the bedroom for both men and women. Our current paradigm leaves people feeling inadequate if they don’t meet a certain criterion.
It’s as ridiculous as asking every flower or bird to be the same.
Not everybody is the same, and there is no flaw in the design.
Size Matters…but not in the way you think.
Bigger is not better. The idea that every woman needs a big member to get release is crazy. Every man is the perfect size for the right woman. Meaning not all women are built for taking large members.
There are three characteristics for Women and Men
Rabbit women have shallower canals and prefer their male partners to be shorter, usually with girth, but not always. Women of this character crave a man who isn’t too big because reaching her cervical heart center is close by. Her preferences, men anywhere from 4 to 6½ inches max
Hare men are often very conscious about their size because they are culturally shamed the most. What I want these fellas to know is that you are most definitely desired and needed. Hare men get the most resistance and challenge in society. Once a Hare man finds a Rabbit woman he feels and experiences a real emergence of the heart. Life is excited in depth and tenderness.
Deer women are not girth-obsessed. They are into length. They want you to get to the bottom of things, or maybe to the top. These gals do not like the ‘stretch’. They enjoy their snug disposition. They may enjoy a Hare from time to time, but Horse men often cause pain. These women prefer men to start at 5 and go no higher than 7 ½ inches.
Rabbit and Deer women both struggle with the challenge of not liking a big member. As society constantly promotes the idea that being bigger is better, it's often shoved down everyone’s throat.
Elk men are curved, straight, and love to go deep. They come in as many different varieties as Hare and Horse man. Elk men are looking for a woman who can reach the depths of their souls. These men have a flair for sensuality, a real attraction to most women. They are charismatic and creative. They are indeed the ‘players’ as they can accommodate the Rabbit woman’s larger preference or the Buffalo woman’s more svelte partner.
Buffalo women are 100% the women we see in porn as the cocks that go in these women are usually quite large. A buffalo woman searches for a man to fill her to the max.
Horse men are the perfect companions to the Buffalo woman. He is between 8 inches and as much as 11 inches in length with extraordinary girth. Bliss to the Buffalo woman and an absolute nightmare to Deer and Rabbit women, who would endure sexual trauma with someone this large.
Can a woman be born a Rabbit or Deer and become a Buffalo woman?
The truth is no.
If her pussy has lost strength and elasticity due to childbirth, she will look for bigger to try and fill the void quite literally. What she needs is toning, healing, and recovery. Childbirth is hard on the pussy. That’s the truth. There is no way you are going to push something the size of a melon out of a small grape hole and not be changed.
Women’s Health
I’ve created an entire workshop dedicated to Women’s Health. It’s called The Jade Garden, an ancient secret gaining intimate strength. She will come to know her body better than ever. These are the practices that bring women back online when they’ve become numb or have pain during penetration of any kind.
Women cannot change their pussy characteristics and attitudes. They can be altered by natural circumstances like childbirth, however. And they always are adapting to the current situation, just like the cock.
Being a remarkable lover requires the willingness to be more educated. Certainly, in the anatomy and arousal of both men and women.
This all requires an open heart and one’s awareness of trust and surrender. It means it’s time to rethink what we know and be willing to slow down, using insight and intuition. These are accessed through the higher energy channels of the upper chakras. The desire, the voice, the vision, and the manifestation of all of life are located in these energy centers.
Performance alone keeps the energy in a low frequency in survival mode. It’s the ‘quick get her pregnant’ blast, the primal need to procreate. It’s also draining to the life force, and is the least effective way to get a woman to climax, especially repeatedly.
In Tantra for Lovers, we explore and experience the journey of deep love and reverence.
We get answers to questions like:
Is there an optimal formula for sex? Spoiler…yes, there is.
How do I last longer in bed?
How can I make a woman orgasm, not just once but multiple times?
How do I become a better lover, or dare I say, a Master Lover?
And…
We take a look at why distance develops between partners and how to course correct.
We will take a deep dive into her arousal and his, too.
Sex’s Amazing Origin
Sex's original origin was and still is healing.
What we are experiencing on a global scale is the result of sexual trauma and shame. And because of that, the healing aspect has been left in secret to the sages and the wisdom seekers who continued to hold this great truth, giving only to those who could wield this power for good. We have already seen what happens when people abuse the nature and dignity of sex. And that’s most of what the planet knows and operates on.
So, it’s no wonder we have dissatisfied women, disgruntled men, and angry elders. It’s also no wonder women and men are numb, and pain is the number one reason women stop having sex. That is not a flaw in the natural design. That is a consequence of well-meaning but unskilled partners who entered before she was ready and had not successfully cleared any tension before entering her sacred chamber.
News flash. Sex is naturally supposed to get better, and usually does with age. Those old, decrepit, hunched-over elders have not loved themselves in a long time. What we see is not natural. Again, the Dharma of one’s Karma. Your actions will make you, and they will shape you, too.
In upcoming posts, we are going to discuss Conscious Lovers and why it’s so important to strive for peace and real compassion in a relationship. Loving consciously or not is as different as night and day. We are going to explore all of it.
Where to Start
For those of you with partners, now is a great time to go deeper. Life and love get better.
If you’re paired:
If you’re single:
Ladies begin with:
Men begin with:
For clearing the toughest obstacles and stuck patterns:
Not sure where to start? Go to:
Energy page (coming) - Why Yoga and Meditation classes are a required foundation for extraordinary love-making.
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And as always, I am available for Personal Coaching Sessions.
Love and Light,
Phaedra
